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Daily Freeman Life Editor Ivan Lajara talks about journalism, living in the Hudson Valley, language, the Web, cats and even politics. But he shouldn't.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wacky labels

These puppies have been around for a while, and - as mentioned in "New Yorkers have the right to be oppressed" - they were neatly cataloged by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch a while back.

Here are some of the perpetrations:

* A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding";

* A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed";

* A popular scooter for children warns: "This product moves when used";

* A nine- by three-inch bag of air used as packing material cautions: "Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device";

* A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene";

The label on an electric hand blender promoted for use in "blending, whipping, chopping and dicing," warns: "Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating";

* A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways warns: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally";

* A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn”;

* A label on a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping”;

* A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill”;

* The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product”;

* A smoke detector warns: “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire”;

* A massage chair warns: “DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving”;

* A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place”;

* An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks”;

* A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious”;

* A 12-inch rack for storing compact disks warns: “Do not use as a ladder”;

* A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner”;

* A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use”;

* A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes”;

* A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover”;

* A snowblower warns: “Do not use snowthrower on roof”;

* A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher”;

* A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire”;

* A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity”;

Do M-Law a favor and get the book. It's worth it.

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