Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Toddlers have superpowers

If you have a toddler, you are probably most familiar with the tot's uncanny ability to put your car keys inside the black hole of doom, which is conveniently located somewhere inside your house (most likely behind the refrigerator, or the toilet).

You might also have encountered some very special ninja abilities.

But when a toddler combines her super-human abilities, then you are in for some mayhem. Say, for example, that it's 8 p.m. and you want your tot to go to sleep.

So you say something like, "Time to go to bed"  or "It's sleepy time!"
Inevitably, this will happen:

There is no reasoning from this point on.You'll say, "Sorry, baby. It's time to go to bed."
This is how Pandora's Box is opened.
It is at this crucial point that you'll try to bring the toddler to her room. This will activate her super-human abilities.

First, you'll try to grab your tot. She'll tense up and become THE ARCH!

This is problematic in that the more you try to carry them, the more the arch will solidify in strange and unwieldy angles. It is an exercise of mathematical precision.

Once the arch achieves its purpose, which is for you to let go of the child, THE ARCH becomes THE NOODLE!
On its way down to the safety of the ground, and not content with slipping away from your many attempts to grab her, THE NOODLE will release a defense mechanism that has to be witnessed to be understood.

When this sound is compared with others in a decibel scale, what you get is this:

Once the toddler reaches the ground, her weight will multiply by about 12 tons, give or take a ton or two. The toddler's gravitational pull will be of that of the moon.
You'll somehow manage to disperse the tot's gravitons with sweet words, chocolate milk and a gummy bear (the toddler's kryptonite), at which point the little one will stand up and pretend that nothing has happened for the last hour.

Then you'll say, "OK, baby. Time to go to sleep."

Rinse and repeat.