Friday, February 15, 2008

Rulez 4 writin gooder then everyones

I've heard (in my head) that some of you might not have enough time in your daily lives to tell the World Wrestling Web what you had for breakfast. This is an unacceptable and disturbing trend which must be stopped at any cost (and I would if I wasn't so busy telling you I had eggs, bacon and cheese this morning).

So—as a newspaper-man of to-morrow—I'd like to give you some tips I've researched (see post below for tips on research) to help you write like a "pro" (as in baseball player on steroids):

* Jump to any page at any junction in a junior dictionary and jumble every jumbo word you can juggle into a juicy jug of a junk sentence.

* And make your sentences as long as possible, even if it sounds repetitive and redundant or characterized by verbosity or unnecessary repetition in expressing ideas, the idea being that the reader will soon agree with whatever you say after loosing his or her or it (no discrimination here, folks) train of thought or the interconnection in the sequence of ideas expressed during a connected discourse or thought, as well as to the sequence itself, especially in discussion how this sequence leads from one idea to another ... wait, what was I talking about? I don't know. Hence, I assume I know what I am talking about.

Better example: Instead of saying "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," say this:

Don’t turn your eyes toward something in some direction in order to see a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous quadruped, domesticated since prehistoric times, bred in a number of varieties - and used for carrying or pulling loads, for riding, and for racing - which happens to be something given voluntarily without payment in return, in the cavity containing the structures used in mastication.

* Invalidate your early examples by giving a "Better Example."

* Make sure you are ostentatious enough by including "ostentatious" in everything you write.

* When you give tips about writing, say "say" instead of "write."

* Try to use a great #, and %, of simbols & punctuation marks! Comas ... semicolons: These. Are. Your. Friends. Use them - as much as you can - in any fashion; + in any form @ any time (parenthesis work too [brackets work as well {but don't overdo it}]). Period.

* Write "period." Add a period.

* If you use "a lot" of "quotes," "people" will "think" you have "credibility."

* Use euphemisms if you know what the heck they are.

* Should you ask yourself a question and answer it? Yes. For real? For sure.

If you follow these progressive value-added tips and resources I've facilitated with synergy, you're ready to stay competitive in tomorrow's world in order to become a highly paid mission statement writer for a cutting edge corporation.

I'll send you an invoice.


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