Thursday, February 28, 2008

Criticize this!

I know I’m just a Life Editor, but sometimes I help other editorial departments (they use the word “meddle” but I don’t know what that means). Therefore, I believe I have the authority to help you, too.
Here’s your absolute guide to properly criticize the Freeman:

1. Know our political persuasion:

* If you are a Democrat, the Freeman obviously is a tool of the war-mongering Republicans.
* If you are a Republican, the Freeman evidently is a operation of the tax-and-spend Democrats.
* If you are a liberal, the Freeman clearly is a defender of the troglodyte, backward-thinking conservatives.
* If you are a conservative, the Freeman definitely is a puppet of the godless, treacherous liberals.
* If you are a Green, the Freeman is red.
* If you are a communist, you are lonely.
* If you are a politician, good luck buddy!

2. Turn any criticism of the paper into a gigantic conspiracy by the MAINSTREAM MEDIA.

Example: “You people didn’t print my letter because your MSM masters don’t like to hear the truth about ... (insert as many expletives as possible).”

3. Always start your critiques with “You people.” We people like it.

4. Abbreviate mainstream media to show your contempt (for spelling things out) and also to showcase your superb prowess for abbreviation.

5. If you have a valid criticism, don’t forget to add an insult or two.

Example: Say you didn’t agree with the winner of our pet contest. Here’s an actual letter:

“I find it rather sad that you pick a BIRD from the 450 photos!!!!!!!!!!! We are not sore losers, just aware the freeman would rather plaster GARBAGE on the front page rather than use the 450 entrees you did receive.”

6. If you use recycled newspaper for mulch (yes, you can) and your plants die, it’s the Freeman’s fault and another MSM conspiracy.

7. If you read the newspaper online and don’t have newspaper for mulch, it also is the Freeman’s fault and another conspiracy by the MSM to kill your plants.

8. It deson’t metatr if yuor lteter is flul of topys (make us work hard to understand you).

9. Be mean.

Example: YOU M$@#!$%^#%^&*S, WHERE’S MY “CHANNELS”?


Can you add a 10th one?