... "Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted" ...
Before you ask, here's the story:
DANBURY, Conn. (AP) -- Santa Claus says that a woman who sat on his lap was naughty, not nice.
A Santa at the Danbury Fair mall said the woman groped him.
"The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted," police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the weekend complaint.
Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.
Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles.
Of course, when Santa doesn't feel like writing a naughty list, he'll sue you, as this item illustrates:
Max Weisberg, above, dressed as Santa Claus, leaves the Royal Cleaners store in Cherry Hill, N.J., on Monday. Last year Weisberg dropped off his Santa suit at Royal for cleaning but it was lost by the cleaners and never returned to him. He bought a new $374.50 Santa costume and sued when the owners of Royal refused to pay for it. On Monday, Jean Hwang, sister of the owner, said they would be paid for the new Santa suit.
The lesson? Don't mess with Santa. Or else.
IRRELEVANT TANGENT: "Santa Baby," used in my unexplicable headline, was written by Joan Javits (the niece of the late liberal Republican New York Sen. Jacob Javits), Philip Springer and Tony Springer.
Here's Catwoman, I mean Eartha Kitt, in her classic performance, which is much better than those by Madonna, the Pussy Cat Dolls, Kylie Minogue, Ru Paul and all the other wannabes.