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Daily Freeman Life Editor Ivan Lajara talks about journalism, living in the Hudson Valley, language, the Web, cats and even politics. But he shouldn't.

Monday, August 15, 2011

'True Blood,' 3-year-olds don't mix

I'm pretty sure this has happened to everyone.

Say, for example, that it's Sunday at 9 p.m. and you want to watch "True Blood" or any other similar show that contains plenty of sex, violence, more sex, more violence, curse words, mayhem and all those other great entertaining things that would undoubtedly traumatize and/or influence a 3-year-old if she were to watch it. Say also that you have a 3-year-old.

Some time after putting her to bed, you grab a slice of pizza and turn on the television.


As the sex violence and mayhem begin to materialize onscreen, you hear some strange things around you.





Inevitably, and before you can say or do anything, the child will turn toward the television, just as much sex, violence and mayhem begins to take place.


In a panic, you pause the show (turning the television would make more sense, but remember, you are in a panic and must act in a nonsensical panicky mode).

When pausing "True Blood," there are only three things that can happen on the screen.

1. There is naked sexy time going on; or
2. There is a ridiculously violent death going on; or
3. There is naked sexy time while there is a ridiculously violent death going on.

After witnessing such occurrence, there are only three things that can happen to a child.

1. She will be traumatized for life and you'll be named Worst Parent of the World by Worst Parent of the World Magazine.
2. She will giggle and mimic what happens on the screen and you'll be named Worst Parent of the World by Worst Parent of the World Magazine.
3. She will be indifferent while you are the one traumatized thinking that she will be traumatized or mimic what she's seen.

She will also grab a slice of pizza and will like you to tell her a story. Tell her about the time you won Worst Parent of the World by Worst Parent of the World Magazine.

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